


A Thousand Thoughts

by cherry_xuxi



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Death, Depression, First In The Fandom, Go Easy On Me, OC, Other, Story, Suicide, enjoy, it's my first fic don't kill me, mature - Freeform, mature themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 09:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16595156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherry_xuxi/pseuds/cherry_xuxi
Summary: I didn't intend for this to be a good or bad story, i just wanted to tell a storyNote it's not the happy ending you're looking for, this story goes deeper than that.





	A Thousand Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first AO3 fic so please go easy on me! I felt compelled to write this story after dealing with some stuff and just wanted to write and share something.  
> Please also note things may be a bit iffy seeing as it is my first time using AO3 but hopefully ya'll will get it.  
> This story is not for the faint-hearted and with that being said lets read and i hope you enjoy!

Kyoko was a fun, energetic and lively girl. Ever since her childhood nothing has ever made her upset or angry beyond the breaking point, she’s always been happy. Her close friends could confirm this claim too, especially the ones who have been with her since elementary school, they all wondered how she did this. How could she stay so happy all the time? Sure, sometimes she got moody and complained, who wouldn’t? The peculiar thing about Kyoko was that these phases only lasted a minute before that bright smile graced her face and she was beaming once again. She lived the perfect life, she was popular, she was pretty (and witty) and was overall great. Amazingly, she never lost her cool whenever stressful situations arose and always had a fierce determination around her. She even wanted to enrol into San Francisco, and people honestly believed she could do it, the same people also believed there was nothing she couldn’t do. She never got bullied and seen as a fresh breath of air in the polluted, choked world of school.

 At least, that was the façade she wanted people to believe.

Her true nature was a million times different, once she left the school world behind and the door to her room was locked and shut tight, she let everything out.

Inside she was broken, and she thoroughly believed there was no way to fix her.

A few weeks back was when the depressive symptoms first began, they lasted for two whole weeks before Kyoko finally had the courage to go up to her parents and ask them to take her for a diagnosis. She only opted to wait two weeks because according to various articles and videos on the internet, clinical depression only happened when you kept feeling those symptoms for that amount of time. Her parents would have gotten told sooner if it wasn’t for that piece of information popping up again and again, the last thing she wanted was to walk in the doctor’s office after only experiencing those episodes for one day and getting told it was only a ‘teenage hormonal phase’ that she would ‘grow out of’.

Finally, a while later the day of the diagnosis came and unsurprisingly, she did get diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), also known as clinical depression. Somehow, hearing those words come out of the doctor’s mouth after all the tests were said and done put Kyoko at ease. After all this time she had solid proof that something was wrong with her! She’d have to keep faking happiness at school and deceiving her friends like she had done for the past few weeks running but it felt SO GOOD that she didn’t have to hide it from her parents anymore. At least there was one place in her life she didn’t have to lie, and Kyoko felt a huge shudder of relief from that realisation, she’d felt everything was a lie these past few weeks, but now she has a place where she can unveil the truth. The road to healing starts now she thought fiercely with a sparkle of light glinting in her eyes. Something had re-kindled her spark of life, and she wasn’t going to let it burn out. She’ll turn the spark into a fire, a fire for living, and a fire that will help her heal.

Except, as more weeks went by, no healing happened. In fact, the pain inside worsened.

That fire and relief soon extinguished because of doubt and anguish. Every day instead of the mask slowly coming off because she was getting better and happier, she felt it sticking to her face, blending with each cell on her skin, slowly becoming part of her.

The days carried on like usual however it seemed more and more impossible everyday to concentrate on stuff, especially school. She knew it was a symptom of MDD but that didn’t stop her grades from declining with each test. She lied to her parents and the therapist they hired for her and gave them the illusion she was doing well and genuinely getting better and that her grades were on an uphill climb too. This meant when the day came to take the end of semester report cards which highlighted all her real, awful grades, she shoved it into the bottom of her bag and didn’t look back. She was making progress to them, she couldn’t lose that, and she knew they couldn’t care less about her condition anyway.

They all do that thing where when it first happens, they’re all over you but as time goes on their attention declines and it’s just easier for them to look the other way, the way that their daughter’s getting  _better_. She’s dropped several huge and obvious hints that she’s still not OK even after therapy and support and a small part of her still believes there’s hope they’ll notice. She’s waiting for them to finally figure out she’s still faking everything in her life and she’s not well but at the end of the day they won’t. At the end of the day if she just says the right thing and acts the right way, they’re happy because that means that they ‘cured’ her, right?

Forgetfulness was another symptom of MMD and whilst the mask was still blending into her and she thought that first negative thought about her parents, she was forgetting who she was. Soon fake happiness became her real happiness and vice versa, she couldn’t tell what was acting and what was real. The only emotions she could fully register were the negative ones, anything else felt numb to her. Her self- esteem gradually went lower and lower until it became a speck in a field of dust. The rest of the dust was made up of her feelings of not having self-worth and other disturbing thoughts.

Overall, things were going downhill for her and continued to grow worse. A week after the symptoms of forgetfulness and lack of concentration came into effect, did she make her first suicide attempt. All the symptoms were in full swing, it was where she was feeling her most deficient and when she thought she had nothing to lose.

It happened after she rushed straight home that day, trying her hardest not to cry after what had happened in the school day. She was making something which required her to cut some wood to shape it into a size. The project was yours to take home at the end of it, so you could choose what shape, colours and designs your piece of wood was getting. Kyoko (with her recent conditions) naturally had a hard time deciding what to do and thought a long time about it. She decided to go for the basic square shape which was provided for her in the wood yet draw some sections and paint different colours in these sections, so it’d look like a cool mosaic/illusion pattern.

She had only begun to get started when the teacher peered over to check her work. She got ridiculed for not drawing the two lines evenly even though she spent her time measuring the centre meeting point for both lines, so they’d be drawn exactly. She got called a failure for having done little to no work even though the teacher didn’t know her current state and on top of that, straight after, he started praising the living hell out of the girl sitting next to her. His mood changed instantly. She didn’t know if the teacher did that in spite, but it was sure as hell a low blow.

Kyoko already accepted in her head she was a failure but hearing someone else say it to her like that stunned her. Normally she would have argued a teacher had no right to call a student a failure, but words cut deeper than any sword known to man, especially this time.

Her friends backed her up and called the teacher out, but it still hurt. She’s been going through so much lately, she guessed getting called a failure was the last straw. Luckily that was the last lesson of the day so as soon as the bell went, she could run straight home and rush into the comforting arms of her parents.

She kicked off her shoes and saw nobody home, she tried to think rationally and think they must have gone out somewhere and they’ll be back soon yet all she could think was: _they knew you were coming home sad today, so they left and fled the scene, they really don’t care about your situation, they still don’t notice._

It was impossible, how could they have known she was going to come home sad today? Kyoko wasn’t strong enough though, she let the negative thought sink in, burst into tears and dashed upstairs.

She slammed the door to her room, and that box of negativity, hatred and mental scarring she so expertly kept under control and sealed at school burst open along with a fresh stream of tears. Sharp jagged sobs escaped from her as she cried some more and then a sudden switch of anger appeared. She pushed everything neatly placed on her desk table every which way then stepped violently on the discarded items. Shattered pieces of plastic flew up in the ruckus and soon the entire room was covered in it. Powder from make up kits had exploded and bloomed everywhere, covering her soft, white fur carpet in various shades of pink and brown. A stack of half torn notebooks found themselves in the corner of the room whilst the other half were crumpled balls thrown everywhere in the same fit of anger.

A few minutes later and Kyoko tried to calm down. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale…exhale…exhale…EXHALE, she was hyperventilating, she couldn’t calm down!

She looked at the mess she created around her room, and thought it represented the mess in her mind. How everything was fine seconds ago and how now suddenly everything was everywhere. She couldn’t manage the mess in her head and seeing it in-front of her was way too much for her. In a vain attempt to try to prove to herself she was stronger than the depression she tried to pick up all the tossed items, clean the powder, fix her room etc. It felt like each time she picked up one thing, she looked and found it there again. It was a continuous cycle of picking and throwing, picking and throwing, it would never end!

The depression already had her in its rock-hard grip, it was too late to escape now, there was nothing she could do. Soon after, she stopped trying to prove to herself that she was better than the depression and accepted that the depression won. She sank to the floor and let the worst of it devour her.

Loud, intense sobs came from her as she thought about everything that’s happened this past few weeks. From the start of the first symptoms until the immense breakdown now. She was sick of it all! Particularly the lying, she was sick of flashing a fake smile every time the therapist appointments rolled around, sick of convincing her parents she was fighting and winning even though she was losing big time, sick of constantly deceiving her friends, day in and day out, they didn’t deserve any of this! Why couldn’t she just tell them the truth?

_The truth? Are you crazy? No one would associate themselves with you if they found out who you really were._

Kyoko believed this was right. Without being happy Kyoko, she would get bullied, no one would be her friend anymore. She’d get shunned aside, left in the dust, truly alone. Wearing the mask that concealed reality and revealed imagination was the only way her friends would still be with her. She couldn’t afford to take it off, the day her friends left her for good was when she would be broken…beyond repair.

_You don’t deserve them, they’re better than you. In fact, you don’t deserve anything good in your life._

Whenever she walked into school, they greeted her with genuine smiles and kind words, she really didn’t deserve them, at ALL. Everything she’s said has been lies straight through her teeth and dishonest happiness, she’s even kept her friends through lies! She wondered how they weren’t sick of her yet. Not just her friends, this includes her parents, teachers and everyone else she’s ever met. None of these people deserved her BS, she felt like a monster. She shouldn’t be allowed to live in a safe, warm house with plentiful supplies. If she had it her way, she would live on the street, where she thought she belonged. The wrong things happen to the wrong people she thought, and her living like this was definitely a wrong thing. How a vile, putrid and evil person such as herself got to live such a glorious life was beyond her.

_Even so, they probably know it’s all a façade. The only reason your so called ‘friends’ are with is due to the fact they feel sorry for you._

Her friends probably knew about her game since the first moment she met them, and they only stuck with her to act ‘friendly’. They probably couldn’t give a damn about her if she committed suicide or not and didn’t care about her at all. When the day came when she did commit suicide, they’d probably celebrate the fact that she was gone. She could imagine it, them laughing, having a party, doing ANYTHING to commemorate the fact she was finally dead. Even so, she couldn’t blame them, deep down, she knew she was a fucking failure.

_Speaking of friends don’t forget about that group chat, they’re all doing the same thing._

Kyoko was also fully convinced that her group chat friends were doing the same thing as her real-life friends, pulling a front and just pretending. It was harder for her to see it this time though, since the group chat was about My Hero Academia and she didn’t know anything it yet wanted to stay because of the people. The people treated her so nice on that gc, and she even got to talk more to one of the friends she already knew before joining it which was awesome. She met so many new and amazing people on there and on Twitter in general. It was an honour to talk to her favourite fic author and their best friend, she loved them so much. Everything was bliss, maybe the negative thought was wrong this time.

_I’m not wrong. The whole purpose of a group chat is to solve problems together, as a ‘group’, not take everything by yourself, That’s the most basic rule, even a moron could figure that out._

Oh god it was right, she broke the first and most important rule of a group chat! As aforementioned, she couldn’t take the mask off, it’d blow her cover.

Frantically she wiped the tears spilling from her and decided not to tell them even with the evidence. They’d leave her too if she did and then she would definitely want to die.

Her vision was so blurred at this point Kyoko could only see black, in her mind and when she opened her eyes. So many more thoughts flooded into her head and she let them roam free. She was silent at this point, and she was just sitting there now, with her head in her hands.

_You’re so silent Kyoko, it’s almost like as if…you were dead. In fact, that’s a good idea, why don’t you kill yourself now, you have nothing to lose, do you?_

_Just end it already._

At that moment Kyoko haphazardly got up (and after much stumbling) reached her drawer. She yanked it open all the way and shoved her arm through to reach back of it. Hidden all the way back there was her biggest and sharpest knife.

Now she was trembling again, just like she was when she was letting those thoughts roam free. She was trembling with fear and anger and held the knife inches away from her arm. As it was so sharp, all she needed to do was press down lightly on her arm and a streak of blood came flowing out.

‘Ba-dum. Ba-dum.’ Her heartbeat pounded in her ears as she brought the knife to the vein pumping on her wrist. She knew slitting both wrists would be a quick and easy death. It was now or never.

As she laid the edge of the knife on top of the vein, she noticed something pumping wildly on her neck. Her jugular vein.

That’s right, the jugular basically connected all the blood flow and vein systems in her body, and she had seen enough movies and dramas to know that one slice there resulted in…instant death. Slicing there would take up even less time and would be even less work.

Her heartbeat rose faster and faster and her head was pounding at this point. She closed her eyes and laid the knife right on top of the crazily pumping jugular vein.

Kyoko was ready at this point to give up, to let go. This cruel world was too much for her and she was sure she wasn’t leaving anything behind.

After a shaky breath and before she would do it she muttered: ‘’One slice and it’ll all be over, one slice and it’ll all be over, one slice and _it’ll all be over, one slice and it’ll all be over.’’_

-2 years later-

Kyoko was 18 now, living in the big bright world. She’d finished senior high school over in Japan and instead of going through her university education she decided to go to college in America. Specifically, San Francisco.

‘Kyoko finally made it to San Francisco! She’s wanted this for the longest time, she’s deserved it. Those senior high exams in Japan were brutal, and she passed with flying colours! She’s just so outstanding, and the best friend anyone could have.’ Keiko thought with warmth in her heart.

Keiko was Kyoko’s best friend. She was a lot more conservative and didn’t open with ease to others like Kyoko did but the two found solace in each other. They got paired up to work on a class assignment one time and found that they jelled well together. They were like the two halves of the Ying and Yang, great on their own but they were made for each other. They learned a saying once in English class and thought it applied perfectly to the two of them: ‘opposites attract.’

The two were currently sight seeing in San Francisco, partly as a vacation to celebrate Kyoko’s admission and partly to figure out Kyoko’s route of where she needs to go once the summer’s over.

They found her college had a bridge near to it and they were just walking along it now, admiring the sea below.

Keiko was wearing a jacket, trying to fight off the somewhat bitter San Francisco wind. Sure, it was hotter than it was in Japan, but it wasn’t as windy over in Japan. The jacket was slowly starting to kill her the further she wrapped it around herself and soon the humidity grew too strong. She fought into temptation and shrugged the jacket off.

During Keiko’s jacket dilemma, Kyoko was a while ahead of her on the bridge letting the breeze of the wind brush over her. She didn’t bother taking a jacket, she said she didn’t mind the cold. To prove the point, she even wore a knee length dress. Keiko wondered how her legs had lasted this long and not collapsed under frostbite but let Kyoko have her fun. She was probably feeling on top of the world right now, and Kyoko looked so happy from afar. She didn’t want to ruin that, Kyoko needed a bit of time to herself after all that exam stress. Yeah, Keiko thought, she’d wait a while before going up to her. With that Keiko settled a little way from Kyoko, slumped her arms unto the rail/handlebar that was on the bridge, and looked down onto the dazzling blue sea.

Kyoko shot a glance and saw Keiko looking down at the sea. She hadn’t moved for a while and was probably going to stay there a while longer. Kyoko was glad Keiko was giving her her space, she needed it.

Two years later and Kyoko still hasn’t fully healed. She managed to convince everyone she was 100% again. The therapist stopped seeing her, no-one kept non-stop asking her how she was, was she having a depressive episode again? She was treated just like a normal girl but felt further apart from it then she ever had before.

She was the only one who knew MDD wasn’t a phase that was ever going away. She remembered the doctor saying on her diagnosis in some people there’s a small chance it could go away, and she convinced everyone she was in that small percent of people. She was in the majority though, always have been, always will be.

She had cheated everyone. Those negative thoughts still came, they haven’t gone away once, not since she was 16, not since that first suicide attempt.

Kyoko remembered her parents coming in through that door just as she was about to slice. She hid the knife away but cleaning up the mess she made earlier? Impossible. She told her parents what happened at school and she had a major depressive episode. There was no mention of suicide, Kyoko knew if they found out, they’d treat her as even more of a special case and any hope they had that she would heal would be snatched. She couldn’t bring herself to burn out the fire of hope in two people’s hearts, even if since then it’s been at her own expense.

Those fantastic test results she got in senior high that were her ticket to San Francisco were due to a piece of paper she wrote all the important notes on which she hid under the table. Three out of four invigilators were absent during the test time, and the school couldn’t delay the test time or find somebody else qualified on such short notice. Cheating was virtually child’s play, but instead of admitting it, she fronted to everyone she was that clever enough she aced the tests.

They all believed her of course, they believed any lie she told them.

Kyoko had had enough of it by now, she lied for two years straight, she couldn’t bear anymore. She wanted it to end right here, right now, before her conscious had any more dirt thrown upon it.

_Isn’t that what San Francisco’s for?_

‘’Hey Keiko!’’ Kyoko yelled out over the sound of the waves and the wind lapping violently around them.

‘’How about we go see the Golden Gate Bridge now?”

The bridge was a while to walk but eventually they made it. It was this point that Kyoko knew what San Francisco was for.

When she was a junior high student, San Fran meant heat and beaches and overall coolness. She loved the fact the embraced different cultures and the Golden Gate Bridge fascinated her, she always wanted to go there.

The older she became the more she researched into San Francisco and inevitably, found the history of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was at that point she knew she had to go there, the difference was her reasoning for going there now was a lot different than when she was younger.

They were walking along the middle of the bridge, taking in the sights and the beautiful view and then it happened, it all happened so fast.

Keiko couldn’t see properly because her hair kept blowing in her face, but she felt something getting lightly pressed in her palm. She pulled her hair back and saw it was a folded-up piece of paper.

She looked up to ask Kyoko why she gave her this and then saw it. She saw Kyoko standing on the edge of the bridge, arms wide out.

‘’Kyoko, no!’’ Keiko screamed but it was too late. All Kyoko could hear was ringing in her ears as she jumped.

She finally did it, she’d plunged off and left this horrid world once and for all. The note she left for Keiko was her will mixed in with a suicide note.

The drop became faster and faster as she fell down an intensely high altitude. Unlike other people who attempted suicide, she didn’t regret it the moment she jumped off. Soon she couldn’t register anything. The last thing she could register before her body dropped into the San Francisco Bay Waters from a 245 feet drop was a chilling voice. An icy voice she’s begun to know all too well over the years, the same voice that has been with her since this madness and hell started. The last thing she could hear was it, saying to her:

_Well done._

**Author's Note:**

> OOF how about that for an ending am i right?  
> I told you all earlier this story is not the happy ending you all wanted :)  
> Anyway, if you are suffering please seek help, you're not alone in this fight. Please don't do what Kyoko does, tell people how you honestly feel.  
> The biggest and hardest step to overcoming your fears is admitting them and i know you are strong. You will do what's right.  
> Kyoko was a fictional character in a story, she could't change her life, yet you can.  
> I don't know if this story has helped you in any way or if it was just a good read for you but thank you for reading.  
> I love you and wish you all the luck in the future.


End file.
